Understanding Sakura
by skinnyvanillalatte
Summary: Sasuke and Naruto have a hard time understanding their female best friend sometimes, so they compile a playbook with strategies to initiate, maneuver, and escape interactions with Sakura. Warning: Only applicable to pink haired, green eyed, bad-tempered female roommates.
1. Waking Up

**#1: Waking Sakura Up**

Sasuke and Naruto hated mornings.

It didn't have anything to do with their morning classes, or the fact that they were usually hungover from the night before. They didn't mind walking in on each other in the bathroom, which was often because Naruto had a bladder the size of a raisin. The water pressure was low in the morning and birds liked to chirp loudly from their apartment balcony, but that didn't have anything to do with it either.

It was because of Sakura.

The three had decided to live together for practical reasons - they spent most of their time together so it seemed natural to cohabit an apartment. Sakura usually got in late because of her internship at the hospital. Because Sakura had classes during the day, Tsunade made a special exception and allowed her to intern during the night so she could gain work experience. But that meant Sakura was only getting a few hours of sleep, and a cranky Sakura was one that made everyone run for cover.

"I went in first yesterday, you go first." Naruto whispered to Sasuke. The two were hunched outside her door, trying to push the other to go through the door first.

"I was born first." Sasuke pointed out. "And I beat you on all your exams."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Naruto scowled at the Uchiha.

Sasuke shrugged. "Thought you'd like to continue to be the first at something for once."

"You bastard!" Naruto tried pushing Sasuke towards the door, but Sasuke side-stepped him and Naruto ended up slamming himself against the door. However, it turned out that the door hadn't been fully closed, so Naruto stumbled into the room and fell face first onto the floor.

The lace curtains were drawn, only letting in a few rays of light that fell on the queen sized bed in the center of the room. The bed had a lumpy mass in the middle of it, where not a single body part was visible.

"She cocooned herself." Sasuke stated. "She won't be able to grab anything. Hurry up and wake her up."

Naruto glowered at his best friend. "You wake her up."

"Idiot, you know the rule. First one in has to wake her up."

"When the hell was that enforced?"

"When you stumbled into the room."

"You're an ass."

Sasuke shrugged. "I'm still the one who walked in second. Wake her up already."

Naruto swallowed hard before he got up and walked over to the bed. "Sakura?"

The lump on the bed moved. Naruto reached one hand out and shook her lightly. "Sakura, you need to wake up now. It's seven fifty."

"Go away." A muffled voice came from inside the cocoon.

Naruto shook her a little harder. "Sakura-"

"Five minutes." Sakura stated.

Naruto sat down on her bed and began bouncing up and down. "Sakura! Wake-up! Wake-up! Wake-up! Wake-up! Wake-up!"

"If you're trying to get murdered, you're doing a great job." Sasuke told the blonde. "Just pick her up and drop her in the bathtub."

"If you do, so help me God, I will neuter you both in the most painful way I can." Sakura informed them helpfully.

Naruto scratched his head. "Come on Sakura, you know you're half awake already. We're not leaving until you get your perky butt out of bed."

"Shit, Naruto." Sasuke said suddenly. "The alarm clock's missing."

"What?" Naruto turned to the night table and saw that Sasuke was right. He turned back just as Sakura's arm poked out from the blankets, and aimed the hot pink clock towards his lower half. With only half a second to spare, Naruto covered the front of his jeans with his hands and the clock let out a loud thunk as it made contact with his body. Naruto let out a yelp as he crumpled on the floor, clutching his hand.

"Sakura, I think you killed him." Sasuke announced.

Sakura's arm disappeared once again under the blankets. "Good. He deserves to die, the little pervert."

"But you do need to wake up. I'm pretty sure blood stains the carpet."

"My hand." Naruto whimpered. "She killed my hand."

"Oh grow up, you big baby." Sakura threw the blankets off and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She saw Naruto on the floor next to her bed, and the way his hand curled up like an old woman's arthritic hand. Sighing, Sakura got up and looked at Sasuke. "Will you get the baby the compress from the freezer?"

Sasuke gave Naruto a disinterested look. "Before twelve o'clock, he's your baby."

"I came into this marriage with so much hope." Sakura shook her head. "I want a divorce."

"Will you two stop messing around and get me some ice?" Naruto demanded. "I can't feel my fingers!"

"You're lucky I didn't throw it any harder." Sakura left the room. A few seconds later later, they heard the shower running from the bathroom.

Naruto glared up at Sasuke from the floor. "Tomorrow, you're waking her up."

"Consider yourself lucky she didn't throw her lava lamp at you. I was seeing stars for most of last week."

"At least she's consistent with the throwing." Naruto grumbled. "I want a fully armored body suit for Christmas."

"Too bad I'm planning on getting her a sword and pepper spray."

"Bastard!"

* * *

**Strategies/Tips for #1: Waking Sakura Up**

- Get a louder, cushiony alarm clock

- Pay someone to wake Sakura up

- Get a shield like Captain America

- Get Sakura to change her field of study so she doesn't have to intern at night


	2. Bathroom Shenanigans

**#2: Sakura and the Bathroom**

Sakura was a very complex, mysterious person.

Sasuke and Naruto knew that girls were mystical creatures, especially when it came to the bathroom. After years of experience of waiting for their female friends before going out, the two came up with the hypothesis that there must be some sort of portal in the bathroom that was activated by the shower because really, there was no other explanation as to how anyone could spend over an hour in the bathroom.

But Sakura was a whole different story.

In the morning, Sakura was no different from Sasuke or Naruto. She spent less than ten minutes showering, during which Naruto often came to relieve himself and occasionally sneak a peek or two. She would then sprint to her room clad in a towel and a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth, and return to the bathroom fully clothed to spit and rinse her mouth. She would be stumbling past the front door in half-strapped sandals within thirty seconds of spitting toothpaste from her mouth.

The two had come to appreciate her talented skills in multitasking.

However, Sakura at night was completely different. On Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, Sakura was free from her internship at the hospital. Usually, Ino announced those nights as "girl's nights", and Sakura would lock herself in the bathroom to get ready. For a girl who could shower, get dressed, brush her teeth and leave the apartment in less than fifteen minutes, Sakura spent an incredibly long time doing the same exact things at night. Worst of all, she refused to let Sasuke or Naruto in, whether she was clothed or not.

"Sakura, I have to pee like a freaking dog!" Naruto banged his fist against the bathroom door.

"And I have to tweeze my freaking eyebrows but you're not hurrying the process by distracting me!" Sakura replied from inside.

Sasuke, who was watching Naruto sweat and twitch out of pure enjoyment, leaned his head closer to the door. "Where are you guys going?"

"We're eating at Ichiraku and heading over to the new club down the street from the gym." Sakura answered absent-mindedly. "Damn, I knew I should have gone to get my brows waxed with Ino."

"Yes, next time please go with Ino." Naruto said in a strained tone. "Maybe get ready at her place too."

A loud sigh of frustration came from inside. "Will you two go away? I can't concentrate with you breathing from outside."

"Just unlock the door and let me pee." Naruto begged. "I promise I won't bother you for the rest of the night."

"I can't, I'm naked right now."

"So what? It's not like I haven't seen anything before-" Naruto caught sight of Sasuke shaking his head back and forth hurriedly.

There was a pause from Sakura's side. "What did you say?" Her tone had dropped to a dangerously soft one.

"Ah I meant at the onsen, you know, when we went to Shikamaru and Ino and the others." Naruto rambled on. "I saw you in your robe and stuff. And you walk around in your towel a lot."

"Naruto, I swear if I catch you peeping on me-"

"You'll neuter me in the most painful way possible, I know." Naruto said glumly. The mention of being neutered seemed to bring him back to his current situation. "But I'm serious, I really have to go."

"Well that's just too bad, isn't it?" Sakura turned on the blow dryer. "Maybe you should remember that feeling the next time you sneak a peek!" She had to yell over the loud rush of air from the blowdryer that she had just turned on.

Naruto knocked on the door frantically. "Sakura, I'm really sorry, I promise I'll never peek again."

"I can't hear you!" Sakura sang from inside, a little too happy to be unable to hear the blonde.

"Holy crap, I'm going to piss my pants." Naruto hopped on one foot and looked around. "The sink is kind of like an automatic toilet, right?"

"You idiot, that's where we put our dishes. You really want to piss on your plate and fork?" Sasuke looked at him in disgust.

Naruto looked at him desperately. "It's either the sink or the floor. You choose."

"Sakura, hurry up. Naruto's threatening to pee right in front of the door or in the sink." Sasuke rapped the door twice.

"What?" Sakura yelled. "What did you say?"

"Open the door." Naruto shook the door handle. "Sakura, I'm about to pass out right now."

"I can't hear you!" Sakura shouted again. "Did you say you're passing a bong around?"

Naruto slumped against the door. "I give up. Maybe in heaven I can pee in peace."

"Dobe, if you make any sort of mess, I need the place sterilized, bleached and sterilized again." Sasuke shook the door handle harder. "Sakura, you need to let Naruto in."

The sound of the blowdryer died and the door opened a crack to reveal half of Sakura's face. "Did someone say something?"

"Naruto's about to die of kidney overload."

Sakura looked down and recoiled. "Why didn't you say so? I still have to spray my hair but I can do that in my room." She opened the door wider and stepped over Naruto, smirking at him as she passed him. Naruto gaped at her as she walked to her room in her towel, before realizing his urgent situation and dragged himself onto the bathroom floor, where Sasuke closed the door for him. When Naruto came back out, he had a look of utmost exhaustion on his face.

"I think we live with a she-devil."

"A she-devil who can hear you and isn't afraid to suffocate you in your sleep with a pillow to make it seem like an accident!" Sakura called from inside her room. "And you know the rule, last person to use the bathroom has to clean it up!"

"What?" Naruto and Sasuke stepped inside the warm bathroom, only to feel the wet floor under their feet, and to see the dense fog on the mirror. The two sink counter was completely covered in bottles, tubes, hair ties, brushes and the trusty blowdryer.

"And I expect everything to be where it was!" Sakura poked her head inside. "It's okay, I labeled everything inside the cabinets so it'll be easy."

Naruto whirled around. "This is so unfair! I only used it for two seconds."

Sakura shrugged. "You use, you lose. Hop to it, Cinderella."

"Evil witch." Naruto scowled as Sakura's head disappeared from view. He looked at Sasuke. "Where do we start?"

"There's no evil witch in Cinderella, only the evil stepsister and stepmother. And I'm not the one who used it." Sasuke headed outside. "Get cleaning, dobe. I hate messy bathrooms."

"Damn, what the hell did I do to deserve two devils as roommates?" Naruto grumbled as he looked for the rubber gloves.

"I'm sure that's what Cinderella asks herself every night."

* * *

**Strategies/Tips for #2: Sakura and the Bathroom**

- Install another bathroom

- Break the bathroom lock

- Get to know the neighbor so we can use his bathroom

- Stop Ino from continuing "Girl's Nights"


End file.
